Saturday, October 2, 2010

Dreams...

Ever have a dream and you wake up in the middle and you try to go back to sleep really quick because it was such a great dream that you don't want it to end?  You try and try, but no luck - interrupted - dream over! 

This morning I was having one of those dreams, but when I hit the snooze it didn't end - it kept going.  I really sorta wish that it hadn't.  It was a good very real dream.  The emotions, the physical feelings, and the people were all real.  Now don't get me wrong it had some not so real parts too!

Some of you will know this about me and others won't but I want to be a mom.  I am 35 years old and like most unmarried women at my age - I thought that I would have been married long ago and have my 2.5 children by now.  While I haven't given up on being married, I am impartial to it - some days I think it would be great - other days I like my complete independence, but that it a topic for another post.

In this dream I was 9 months pregnant and was very close to having the baby.  I wasn't married in the dream as far as I know - no clue who the father was.  I know that I was surrounded by my friends from church and that I was going to let my cousin deliver the baby at my house and without any pain killers.  Now that my friends, is the not so real part!  No offense, Stephanie, but I don't want you delivering my baby at my house and I don't want to try to be a hero and do it without an epidural!! 

The very real part of this dream is that I felt pregnant - I could feel the contractions (or what I think contractions would feel like).  I felt the emotion and excitement of the new life that was about to be born and I felt the love and support from my friends.  I woke up with my arms around my stomach.  I woke up to the realization that it was all just a dream.  I woke up to reality and I must admit that it made me sad - I have tears as I type this.  I am not sure how, but I was emotionally invested in this dream.  Am I crazy!?!

I used to think that children should be born into home with a mother and a father.  As I grow older my thoughts and my feelings have changed on this.  I have considered finding a sperm donor and going through invitro or other methods of getting pregnant.  I have done research over the years and know more about getting pregnant the unconventional way than I ever thought I would.  I most definitely thought this is something that I would do and I came up with a budgeting plan to make this happen - it is NOT cheap!  Then my thoughts changed.  I started thinking this wasn't right - it wasn't the way that I wanted to bring a child into this world.  So, I stopped thinking about it and haven't thought about it for quite awhile now.  That is - until today.  I still don't know that it is the way that I want to become a mom and to be honest I still don't know that I am meant to be a mom or that I could be one. 

I sometimes wonder if that is why God gave me the nieces and nephew that He did.  I have such amazing relationships with them - maybe I am meant to be their cool aunt who gets to spoil them rotten!  Who knows?  All I know is that I am a little sad that it was only a dream...

3 comments:

  1. Have you ever considered adoption? I have a cousin who is 30 something and single and adopted a little girl from China.

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  2. Heidi - I have thought about it - right now I am just praying about it and all options and waiting to see where the Lord leads.

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  3. I love you Margo - but I don't want to deliver your baby for you either! You know that you have my love and support as you pray about this! Maybe I should brush up on my midwife skills... wait - I don't have any!
    Stephanie

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